Updated: Feb 19
Sitting in a chair next to my son’s bed, I can hear his labored breathing. I look up at the monitor connected to him. It is trying to dictate what his life is worth. Telling me how much time I have left to fellowship with his presence. My son can’t speak to me. He is in hospice care. He has been given a death sentence.
How did we get here? What caused this lunacy? I understand how it happened. But I’m trying to be the “face” that is not bothered. The man of answers. Wisdom.
But it just isn’t there. I know the correct answers and they don’t fit. I don’t want them to fit. This nightmare belongs to someone else. Not me. I’m the one who is strong in faith. I’m the one that has an answer for everyone. But the answer I’m looking at right now still doesn’t feel right. Not even close.
There is an evil demon released on this generation. It has a few tools and friends it carries. They are mental illness, addiction of all kinds, and a feeling that something is trying to “thin the herd”. Has it come because we arrogantly wanted our desires over God’s? Or is it an evil enemy sent to combat our lethargic attempts at being Overcomers? In any event, I’m still here listening to my baby try to push out air and breath in some bit of life. I’m devastated.
Disappointed, yes. Hurting… more than a father should have to. This is not fair. It hurts. It sucks. It makes me cry.
When Jesus reminded us that “He will never leave us nor forsake us”, I know it is true. I know it is life, and it is real, even though the ominous feelings of doom try to overcome my being. I wonder how Father was doing as Jesus walked out His death sentence for us. I wonder if Father felt it was worth it?
If a miracle occurs, and I have a new son, I will be the happiest father alive. If a miracle happens, and my son passes into Glory, I will work on understanding. I will work on not missing him, but I will always be a man of Faith.
I am on a mission now. A mission of proving, to this generation, that Jesus is real. A realization, once and for all, that there is no other answer. A deep knowing that He is Master and Commander.